We all want to give our kids everything that they want and deserve. For some of us, this is one of the very reasons we’re in such a big financial mess. Saying “no” to our kids is definitely hard sometimes, because we never want them to interpret our denial of their request as lack of love or care.
However, you also can’t keep saying yes to daily Starbucks stops and weekly movie theater trips. Or, if your kids are younger, you can’t keep saying yes to McDonald’s lunches or toys while grocery shopping. This is not only difficult because you want to say yes, but because your child expects you to say yes from past experience! But, now that you’re on a plan and budget, habits have to change—and that includes bad spending habits with your children.
So, how do you start saying no? Today, I’m breaking down exactly how you should tell your kids you can’t or won’t buy something because of your new money goals. Here’s how to say no to your children:
How to Tell Your Kids You Can’t (Or Won’t) Buy Something
Update them on your new goals.
If you used to always say yes, suddenly saying no could be bad for your relationship with your child . . . if you don’t explain why. Take a minute to explain your debt-free goals, your money-management objectives, and your vision for your family’s future. Kids aren’t great at foresight, so this may or may not be effective, but it at least explains why the change is happening! Of course, make sure the conversation is age appropriate for your children.
Be authentic, but don’t stir up panic.
We want our children to learn from all our mistakes. We want them not only to learn what not to do, but we also want them to understand how to carry and make up for past mistakes with grace. If you keep everything about your financial struggle hidden for your child, chances are they’re going to grow up to make their own mistakes and be too embarrassed to ask for help—because they’ll think you do it perfectly the first try!
Instead, be authentic with your child about your missteps and share with them your goals to fix it. Now your family can be united towards your goals! It’s important to note, though, that you don’t want to stir up panic.
Tell your child about basic things, like the fact you took out credit cards or spent without a budget, but they don’t need to know about more intense consequences of your past actions like a house in foreclosure, the threat of utility shutoff, the repossession of a car, and other potentially anxiety-inducing problems. It’s important that your child still feels safe.
Explain the practical side of things.
Kids are smart! We don’t always give them enough credit. If your child is asking for name brand shoes or an expensive instrument, explain the potential loss in value. For the shoes, remind your kiddo that their feet grow so fast, that name brand shoes seem silly, because they’ll only be able to wear the shoes for a few months.
When it comes to an expensive instrument like a piano, drum kit, or violin, remind your child of past hobbies or activities they’ve abandoned. Gently and kindly explain the reality that if they quit or drop the hobby, the resale of any of these instruments will not cover much of the pricey total. It might make them reconsider what they really want and need..
Don’t shame them for asking.
It can be easy to scoff, eye roll, and start going on and on about how ungrateful your children are and how things were different when you were their age. This is not helpful to anyone! Your children don’t totally understand the value of money, so them asking for a $800 laptop for Christmas isn’t the same as your cousin asking you to be in her wedding, but then demanding you drop $800 on a bridesmaid dress. Your cousin is being disrespectful, your child is just unaware.
Instead of shaming them, stay calm and have a heart of understanding. They’ll be much more open to you if you come off kind and gentle, anyway!
Offer a solution.
If they really want something, offer a few solutions on how to get it. Maybe they do extra chores around the house and earn money from you. Maybe they get a job and you help them open a savings account. Or, maybe you help them find a cheaper alternative to what they asked for (a “dupe,” as the kids say.)
Help them come up with a solution that could still potentially result in them getting their desired product or service without you having to fork out the cash.
Use comparison to explain value.
Kids, depending on age, genuinely don’t understand the value of things. Why would they? They’re not consumers in the same way we are. They don’t pay bills or spend their own money on things they want, so how would they know the average cost of things?
To help them understand what you’re asking, use comparison. “You know that $200 toy you want? That’s our entire weekly grocery budget. Yes! That toy costs a whole week’s worth of groceries.” or “That $1,600 iPhone is a mortgage/rent payment. A whole month of living in a house is the cost of an iPhone.” Doing this will hopefully give them the tools they need to start comprehending value.
Help them earn money to learn with.
Providing a way for your child to regularly earn and spend money is a great way to learn from their own money mistakes in a low stakes environment. Set up an allowance/chore system or help them apply for their first job (depending on the age). Then, let them spend like they want, but guide them with tried-and-true money principles like saving and giving.
Avoid passing judgements on others.
When you tell your kid no to something, they may say, “Well, so-and-so got a new car for their 16th birthday.” In these circumstances, it’s easy to make an ignorant judgment about that child’s family. You should not make assumptions about people’s money problems or income ever, but especially not in front of your children.
Instead, simply explain that their budget, expenses, and priorities differ from your family. Don’t feed into the comparison game and allow for your child to grow a spirit of jealousy are their friends’ families.
Tell them a story.
If you think the item or service they want isn’t worth the price or will result in a regret, tell your child a story about a money lesson you learned! Sharing these anecdotal experiences can be great for bringing relatability and understanding to money principles.
Don’t be embarrassed.
We carry a lot of shame when it comes to our finances, and we want our kids to think we’re the best ever! It’s a little about pride, but it’s also about setting the best example. You want to be a good role model for your child, and admitting a mistake can seem counterproductive to that goal. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Carrying your mistakes without shame and explaining what you learned from them will help your child with more than just personal finance. It’ll help determine how they respond to their own screw-ups! Instead of harboring humiliation, anger, or jealousy, they’ll be at peace with their gained wisdom and experience. Don’t be embarrassed to tell them your mistakes!
Give them space to reasonably be upset.
No matter how silly you think the product or service is, let your child be upset that you said “no.” The things that were important to us as kids aren’t still important to us now in the same way. Try to remember what it was like to want a Sega, Calvin Klein jeans, or your own phone line SO badly.
When/if your parents said no to any of these things, you were probably heartbroken in a way that seems silly as an adult. Channel that memory and have a little sympathy for your child. (Within reason, of course. We don’t need to have a meltdown over a handbag.) Give your child space to feel disappointed.
Make money education part of your daily routine.
Most of all, make money education part of your daily routine! You can use a curriculum like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace Jr., but also consider including your child in more day-to-day money tasks. Have them help you track your grocery total at the store. Let them help you shop for the best rates on pest control. And, update them regularly on your financial goals!
Do your budget together.
Your budget can include just you and your spouse, but why not bring in the whole family? Seeing the practice of regular budgeting will help instill good money habits in your children, and it’ll give them a much more realistic view of what you will spend on certain items.
“Oh, I know the school supplies budget for this month is $100, so I can’t get these headphones and this new backpack.” Doesn’t that sound like music to a parent’s ears? You can get here just by going over your monthly budget as a family.
It’s okay to say no to your children.
When you’re working through The Baby Steps, there are things that are easy and things that are really hard. Saying no to your kids when you’re used to saying yes is really difficult. I hope these tools will help you have good conversations with your children and your family will be united in your journey toward all your money goals. For more tips, head back to my blog or schedule a free call. I’ve got a lot more tips where that came from!